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hey ya   
09:15pm 28/12/2005
mood: crushed
2 months and 26 days is the count so far! :) I am excited. I really like Josh!
I love Joshua Dalton Stowell
Well aside from that...
Yesterday after I got home from hanging with Hilary and Tina I talked to Hilary online. I tried to see how she feels about love and life and such. She got angry at me and ended up crying. She said I was not helping anything by asking her about that. So I have come to the conclusion that I am not going to tell people my secrets. If they ask I am just going to say knowing wont help. It is frustrating for them to squeeze every little thing out of me and then not break a little when I want to know something about them. I just wanted to help her...but in the end I made her cry. That wasnt good.

When it comes to Allen. Allen is in the hospital right now. The tumor in his head bursted...and he is pushing his luck right now with his life. I just hope everything turns out ok with that.

Emmz is chatting with Anthony. I know because she signed up her myspace account under my email. So I keep getting these emails that say "Anthony has sent you a message on myspace". Now it could be that it is another Anthony. But I also happen to see he is on her top 8 as well. *shrugs* Oh well...as long as she keeps me out of it. Cause I am almost sure that if I ever seen him again...oh damn...i better have someone to hold me back. I just dont want to see him again.

The distance has not helped very much with me and mom. I still cant stand to hear her and be near her. And she is still nagging me left and right about what Jim does wrong...and how I am never going to be perfect. I get so mad to listen ot that all the time. I am pretty sure my mom is not perfect. So why doesnt she think she has the right to say that to me. I dont know. I just dont know. Since I have the apartment next school year it will make it so much easier to move out. I want to finally just do everything myself. I am even going to pay for my cell phone bill. I want to be on my own...and away from being under control by someone that cant even control themself.

Brandy...she is so frustrating. It is hard to go from Lassie to her. Lassie was a perfect dog. She was just so hard to lose. She listened to everything I said...and understood it all. Brandy...well...she is trying...I can tell that. She sleeps wherever I am while I am home. She always wants to be around me...and I know she is not progressing because while I am at school she is alone. Mom and Jim are either at work...or out. She has to spend 98% of her time alone. When I got home I noticed that she was gainging weight. She was at the pefect weight when I left, and now she has a belly...and she is on her way to being fat. There is nothing I can do about that really. I wish I could bring her with me, then she would be able to have someone around her. While I am at school I am usually only gone for class. Some nights I am gone cause I go to Josh's. If I had Brandy I bet I could get away with bringing her to Josh's with me. It would be rather weird cause there would be three dogs there, but atleast she wouldnt be alone all the time like she is here. I feel bad cause I dont always want her right under me. I need some space, so I am kicking her away all the time. She just wants attention, and no one will give her any. I love the little girl...she just needs more love.

That and this guy Dale online is SO ANNOYING!!!
tactilisbox: how josh?
tactilisbox: o thats too bad well when you come back bring him a present ;-). in the form of hugs and kisses:-D
tactilisbox: So how you know josh is right?
TJs12Stones: huh?
tactilisbox: sorry how did you know josh was the guy to date?
tactilisbox: no prob. just wish me luck in finding one as happy as him and you. where do people hang at in town here.

he is always talking about Josh and shit. I can not stand to talk to this guy! FRIGGEN ANNOYING! GEEZE!!!! I just think he is not good at conversations. In that case he should just...not have them! Cause talking to him pisses me off.

Well it is 9:15 and I need to work early again tomorrow...long hard day ahead! So I am going to go finish my laundry and then wait for Josh to call me. Bye
family...and such   
04:07pm 09/10/2005
mood: annoyed
Well last time I updated in here I was going to be moving to Central in 4 days.

I moved here...and it was rough for a long time...but so much better now!

No one would come out and see me...other than Hilary cause she is amazing. I have been down back home two times since. There is a big change now. I have a boyfriend. His name is Josh, but I call him Joshy! I met him off myspace surprisingly! :) There are a lot of boys here...but they are all horny and stupid!...so I had to look outside this bubble. Well I love my roomates. Sarah is never here tho. When she is here she is locked in her room. Its too bad too...cause she is really awsome! I bought a fish...and named him Freddy! Well since I have had Joshy to be with I dont feel like going home anymore. It use to be that I needed to go back like every weekend (tho usually just stuck it out for a bit). Now I dont want to go back. I realized that Hilary may be the only friend back home that cares if I am around or not. I know Tina and Leslie do too...cause they call all the time. But when it comes down to it everyone just let me drop off the face of the earth...just like I told them. It bothered me for a while...and it feels great to say I dont care anymore. I love my roomates here...I love my boyfriend here...and I still talk to the people that love me back at home :)

Joshy may try and make it to my house for Thanksgiving...that would be awsome. :)

Thanksgiving isnt a big holiday in our family. Christmas is the big one. Its the one time a year I see everyone on dad's side! They still dont want to see us. It hurts a lot. Jim fits in well with them...but Ill always be "jane's daughter" :( I tried talking about this with my friends and they just didnt care. It hurts a lot...they would rather hold a grudge out this long ON ME...when the divorce was NOT my fault!!! Stupid...just cause I was the one that dad hit...then its all my fault! I cant talk about any of this with my friends...cause they look at me like I am dumb. They werent there last christmas...they didnt go through that. Jim never cares. They could throw rocks at him and he would still say "I dont care". It makes it harder to set everything in my mind right...cause I feel like I shouldnt care either. I have never missed a Christmas with them...and they just figured we wouldnt be there...and when they saw we were there...they asked why!!! I always go see my dad...ALWAYS...more than they do Im sure. It is not as easy now...but I would drive that way 2 or 3 times a week to go sit and talk with dad for a few hours. Mom would get mad at me...but I did it cause I love my dad! People suck. Donnie was mad cause dad is paying for my cell phone. I need that. I have had to pay for everything since I was 14....with little things being taken care of along the way. I dont usually let people help me with things...but while I am in school I need to have a cell phone...and I cant afford one myself. Dad knows that I would drive to see him any time I could...and so he shows that it means something to him by helping me. Donnie goes...once in a while. I know dad still loves me...he always did. I think Donnie is just afraid cause he was always dad's favorite kid. He still is...Donnie was the first kid...and a boy! I dont know...he is just still mad! None of this was my fault...and they are taking it out on me!

I remember Christmas when my mom and dad were still together. It was always great. Donnie and David would be playing with me and Jimmy outside. Jim would hit me and Donnie and David would "beat him up". I felt safe with them. They never let anything bad happen to me. David use to give me a big hug and spin me around...and Donnie didnt like to touch me at all lol but he would still never let anyone hurt me. I know I am older now...and I dont need them to help me, but I really wish they hadnt changed. I tell my friends about my big brothers and how they would watch out for me. But really it is all pretty much a lie. Its from the past...they dont care now. I could die...and they would be so wrapped up in the fact that I was "janes daughter" that they would pass the fact I was their sister!!!
There is one thing I like now. I have a sister...and she looks up to me like no other! I do love her...she is crazy...but she is better than she was at age 3 thats for sure!!! Now that she is 9 she has been in school and around other kids. I feel bad for her cause the kids make fun of how fat she is. It has turned her in to a great girl tho. Thats the important part. She grew up in a bad setting...and now has to pay for it...but she will do better. She keeps saying she wants to be a vet now...why...because I would say that. I bet I could walk in there right now and say I am going to be a stunt devil...and she would say the same thing. She is great! Like my little shadow. She grew up with Jason...who just happens to be like 15 years older than her. That is quite an age gap...and its not like they have other brothers and sister to fill that...Its Jason (24+)...then Jessica (9)! I think that helped her out...cause her dad was not a great person...and not that Jason is super amazing *rolls eyes* but I am sure he has set some idea in her head what life is like. Her mom does a good job...and when she cant be there...there is Theresa :) her big sister! :) ...she loves it when I say that lol!
cause i never write in here   
01:19am 21/08/2005
mood: groggy
I have really been not saying anything in this journal...when after all this time I should have been keeping up in it.

I leave for Central in...well 4 days now. The living room is packing with boxes...the laundry is all piled up...and I am scared for my life. Seriously! Hilary keeps saying that she is going to be lonely. Well...she KNOWS that is never going to happen. She has everyone else here. I am going to have to try and make all these new friends. I dont think it will be super hard...but still...not going to be easy.

Dan says that the first guy I meet will probably end up being my boyfriend. That freaked me out...cause what if its true!?! I dont know what to do.

Tomorrow is my day off...then I work mon-wednesday. I am almost sure I am going to cry after work is done on wednesday! I love everyone there...and I love my job. I wish I could go away to school...and still work there when I am not in class! But just wouldnt ever work. When it comes down to it I have to leave the house...I HAVE TO!

Things are so wrong right now...Emmz is getting in the way...Pete is trying to hook me up with Allen *sigh* its all wrong!

I like having this journal to myself tho...no one else can read it. It feels good. I can talk about all the things that are wrong and no one will know what is goin down.

I got tests done today...said there might be a slight pinch in a nerve in my brain (or some shit) I dont know...I dont like to listen to the doctors! They suck! So they just gave me a medicine...and told me to relax. Try not to stress things. Not a good time for this. I am moving out of the house FOR GOOD in 4 days! We will see how things go.

My classes at central go from monday night-thursday at like 6:15. So if I desire being home on a weekend I can come home thursday night...and leave monday morning. It will all work out wonderful! You watch! :) Yeah! Im excited...but very very very scared! I dont want people to know that I am scared at all tho...cause they will just get all stupid!
Dan...playing games with my mind   
03:44am 27/05/2005
mood: crazy
Kingpin297: hey baby
TJs12Stones: hi
Kingpin297: what you doin?
TJs12Stones: I CUT MY HAIR!!!...it looks awful
Kingpin297: damn
Kingpin297: i'm sure it looks good
Kingpin297 is idle at 3:13:13 AM.
Kingpin297 is no longer idle at 3:13:57 AM.
Kingpin297: cant sleep
Kingpin297: ?
TJs12Stones: naw...gonna try an allnight again...gotta do another full day tomorrow
TJs12Stones: dont u usually go to bed early?
Kingpin297: not lately
TJs12Stones: oh
Kingpin297: working with indian programmers...they are 10 hours ahead of us
Kingpin297: its the middle of the day over there
TJs12Stones: oh...that is educational
Kingpin297: :-)
TJs12Stones: very kool...sounds like everything is working out well for u
TJs12Stones: glad to hear it
Kingpin297: its working
Kingpin297: well...i dont know yet
Kingpin297: just working
TJs12Stones: oh
TJs12Stones: well you are a busy guy, so im gonna let u get back to work...dont work too hard, bye
Kingpin297: just listening to some motivational cd's
TJs12Stones: well...then...be super motivated
TJs12Stones: lol
Kingpin297: lol
Kingpin297: its good stuff!
Kingpin297: words of wisdom in general
TJs12Stones: good:-)
Kingpin297: got any plans for the holiday weekend?
TJs12Stones: mmm working saturday morning...then...maybe with friends if i can grab them
TJs12Stones: what about u? spending time with your grandma?
Kingpin297: yea
Kingpin297: but it might be rainy so i cant get any work done for her around the estate
TJs12Stones: oh...well its the thought that counts...cause there is always next week:-)
Kingpin297: yea
Kingpin297: you got to come over and hot tub with me sometime
Kingpin297: i got it working perfect
TJs12Stones: sounds like a party
Kingpin297: a two person party
Kingpin297: lol
TJs12Stones: lol
TJs12Stones: mhmm
Kingpin297: yea, well maybe this weekend sometime
Kingpin297: i duno
Kingpin297: i really have been pre-occupied ;ately
Kingpin297: doesnt mean anything
Kingpin297: thats what i need to do
Kingpin297: so, its not a problem
TJs12Stones: ya well...when ur bored then give me a call
Kingpin297: not really about being bored
Kingpin297: but i always will
Kingpin297: goodnight babydoll ;-)
TJs12Stones: um night dan

The convo started with me being on the phone with Anthony. I went to Anthony's, and then got back home at about 3:15. He turned idle, so I came back, and he came back and continued to play mind games. I just talked to Anthony about how it is going to be hard considering I still like Dan, but we are just going to see what happens. Dan just puts my mind where he wants it to be. Durrr...*tear* oh...and I cut my hair yesterday, donated it to locks of love.
10:10am 07/03/2005
mood: crushed
It is eating me alive...Its been a week being COMPLETELY single again. Dan said we would still be friends...but he doesnt call anymore. I just dont want to try. He has 4 of my movies. I should just get them back from him today...and do my best to forget him. Its Dave all over again :(

Why do people think I cant just be friends after we were more??? I SERIOUSLY CAN!!! No one will ever know tho! Damn...why do I have to be so ugly. FUCK IT! Im stupid for trying this over and over...
One Year   
08:08pm 25/01/2005
mood: crappy
Hey...well tomorrow marks the one year of me being single. I mean I have dated a lot in the past year...a LOT...but I still dont have a boyfriend. I still dont care for someone like that. I really like Dan...but he still is not my boyfriend.

I guess a part of me wishes that I could have a boyfriend just for valentines day. I mean I totally TOTALLY hate when people come up to me and say...

"I really love **person** but I dont know what to get them!"

WTF??? If you really love them then why dont you know what to get them. Dont come to me. I am only going to bite your head off. I hate feeling like shit...and I hate it when my friends are the ones that make me feel that way.

Well Dave broke up with me on January 26th 2004...and ended the idea that someone may like me...once again I was alone. It is now the night of January 25th 2005 and I am still single. Things have been wacco over this past year. I graduated now...so I am free from high school. I tured 18 as well...so legally I am an adult.

Well now this Central thing. I got accepted to CMU. I am sooo going for sure! Cathy said I could be in her room since Stephanie was being a little weird about it. Kinda made me upset...I ususally never saw her as a bitch...but I dont know what i did for her to not want me in the room with her and Sanja...its not like they already had all 4 people. Well that is just depressing...see now I dont even want to try to hang with her ne more. Just so upsetting you know...all cause she didnt have the fucking guts to say "no"!!!!

Well I just really dont like V-day...and maybe (hopefully) someday someone will change that...but till then I will probably remain at a point where I do not wish it was a fucking celebrated holiday!

"I said maybe...you're gonna be the one that save me!"
after all...you're my wonderwall!
sooo excited!!!! :)   
12:33am 30/12/2004
mood: hyper
TJs12Stones: you in a new band?
lonerdottiemse: yeah
TJs12Stones: still in lobby rats?
lonerdottiemse: yeah, for the time being. its a long story but the gist of it is im not really sure if i want to keep playing with them
TJs12Stones: oh
TJs12Stones: when did u start playing with the new band?
lonerdottiemse: ive been playing with the guitarest and the bassest for almost a year just writing songs, about a month ago we got a singer. it sounds awesome.
TJs12Stones: thats kool
lonerdottiemse: yeah, so what you been up to?
TJs12Stones: thats kinda a bummer...now i cant say ive seen u play with your band:-Pive been working as much as i can...what about u?
lonerdottiemse: not much, same old same old. just hanging out, jamming, its hard stuff. :-)
TJs12Stones: lol
lonerdottiemse: hey, would you want to hang out sometime?
TJs12Stones: YEAH!!!
TJs12Stones: lol
lonerdottiemse: wow, i wasnt sure if you would want to......... :-)
lonerdottiemse: j/k
TJs12Stones: lol
lonerdottiemse: awesome
lonerdottiemse: what are you doing tomorrow night?
TJs12Stones: band practice with my friend hilary:-\im not sure what we have planned yet
lonerdottiemse: band pracice?
lonerdottiemse: practice
TJs12Stones: lol...yeah me and my friend have a band:-D
TJs12Stones: lol
TJs12Stones: kinda
lonerdottiemse: lol
lonerdottiemse: thats awesome, what do you play?
TJs12Stones: well...according to her i play my bass and do vocals...she does drums, keyboard, and vocals...but ya see...its an imaginary band
TJs12Stones: just kinda an excuse for me to see her every week
lonerdottiemse: lol
TJs12Stones: we missed last week practice tho
TJs12Stones: lol
lonerdottiemse: thats funny
lonerdottiemse: lol
TJs12Stones: christmas is messing it up
TJs12Stones: lol
TJs12Stones: but i am learning the bass
TJs12Stones: i can play some black sabbath:-D
lonerdottiemse: sweet, yeah a little sabbath nice
TJs12Stones: :-D
TJs12Stones: indeed
lonerdottiemse: what song
TJs12Stones: crazy train (only the beginning), iron man (only the beginning)
TJs12Stones: lol
TJs12Stones: im still working on it
lonerdottiemse: sweet
TJs12Stones: i dont have much time to play...just bought one in october...and have been playing with it:-D
lonerdottiemse: cool
lonerdottiemse: yeah, im learnig the drums with "my band" right now....
TJs12Stones: learning?
lonerdottiemse: i was being sarcactic
TJs12Stones: oh...lol
lonerdottiemse: its hard to tell on this thing ya know
TJs12Stones: yeah i know
TJs12Stones: i always wanted to play the drums...my friend gave me drum sticks...so i beat on the walls...pisses my mom off
lonerdottiemse: awesome, yeah i beat on everything all day
lonerdottiemse: do you have a curfew? or can you stay out as late as you want?
TJs12Stones: as late as i want...as long as i dont complain in the morning
lonerdottiemse: cool, yeah i stay up all night usally, well alot lately cuz of the holidays
TJs12Stones: yeah
lonerdottiemse: cool, if you want to hang out after you're done with band practice thats cool, ill probly be doing something.
lonerdottiemse: or whenever.
TJs12Stones: ok
TJs12Stones: uhhh here...***-***-**** my cell #
lonerdottiemse: mine......*** *** ****
lonerdottiemse: i understand if you hate me after asking you this but i forget names like nothing i know it starts with a t........sorry im a jerk
TJs12Stones: lol
TJs12Stones: its really easy TJ
lonerdottiemse: you rule
TJs12Stones: lol
TJs12Stones: :-D
lonerdottiemse: do you want me to give you a call tomorrow night?
TJs12Stones: yeah:-D
lonerdottiemse: cool
TJs12Stones: i cant do a lot tho...im 18
lonerdottiemse: thats cool, you can do whatever you want
TJs12Stones: lol
lonerdottiemse: brb
TJs12Stones: k
lonerdottiemse: alright
lonerdottiemse: how was the vet today?
TJs12Stones: allright...started out sad...a dog came in dead...and it had the same name as my dog
TJs12Stones: other than that it was allright
lonerdottiemse: ooooooo that sucks, that happened to me when i worked at the humane society
lonerdottiemse: i uses to have to hold the animals while they put them to sleep. it was pretty hard to do
TJs12Stones: :-\thats sad
lonerdottiemse: yeah
TJs12Stones: they try not to put me through that right now...but yeah i helped bag the one today
lonerdottiemse: yeah, its not easy
TJs12Stones: did u have a good day?
lonerdottiemse: yeah, me and my buddies adam and chris went to this coffee house in mt. clemens hung out there for a while, then i jammed with Caliber for like 2 hours. i was going to go to the bar with my singer but i was there until 2 last time and i wasnt up for it tonite
TJs12Stones: lol
TJs12Stones: thats kool
TJs12Stones: ok...u might know this...wasnt there a place before in mt clemens that would have concerts...and there was a huge blow up beer can?
lonerdottiemse: could be any bar down there, hayloft or the emerald
TJs12Stones: it was outside
TJs12Stones: on a hill
TJs12Stones: i dont know...maybe im going nuts or something
TJs12Stones: lol
lonerdottiemse: there is one hill on the cclinton river
TJs12Stones: yeah it was by water
lonerdottiemse: they have the fire works there
TJs12Stones: YEAH!
TJs12Stones: lol
lonerdottiemse: yup thats it
TJs12Stones: damn...im glad im not going nuts
lonerdottiemse: yeah going nuts isn't good
TJs12Stones: lol...indeed
lonerdottiemse: so does your friend live around you
TJs12Stones: yeah...she lives like a mile away
lonerdottiemse: cool
TJs12Stones: ive known her since i was like 6
lonerdottiemse: thats cool
lonerdottiemse: ive got a friend like that too
TJs12Stones: still talk to them?
lonerdottiemse: yeah, when i moved out of my parents house i lost contact with alot of my friends but i always try to keep in contact no matter what, so many people start doing different things its hard to keep in touch
TJs12Stones: yeah
lonerdottiemse: whats your favorite band?
TJs12Stones: hummm...12 stones:-D
TJs12Stones: what about u?
lonerdottiemse: i was wondering if that was that, hmmmmm of all time its led zeppelin, i listen to a lot of punk and good emo, i was into emo before it became popular now its hard to tell which ones are real ya know
TJs12Stones: yeah
TJs12Stones: what is an emo band?
lonerdottiemse: thats awesome
lonerdottiemse: you just made my day
TJs12Stones: lol
TJs12Stones: name an emo band i mean
TJs12Stones: lol
TJs12Stones: i know the genre
TJs12Stones: i have a hard time saying things the right way for some reason
TJs12Stones: lol
lonerdottiemse: i hear ya, one of my favorites is this band called small brown bike, i listen to the deftones alot too even though they're not emo
lonerdottiemse: whats a good song by 12 stones to download
TJs12Stones: ummm...eric's song
lonerdottiemse: sweet im downloading it right now, i've heard them before i cant remember what they sound like
TJs12Stones: they are awsome
lonerdottiemse: i dont know........ we'll see.......
TJs12Stones: lol
lonerdottiemse: i've always liked that name though
TJs12Stones: yeah they are good...erics song is a song that makes you want to jump around
lonerdottiemse: nice, i can try out my new dance moves
TJs12Stones: lol
lonerdottiemse: have you seen napolin dynamite?
TJs12Stones: no i havent...my brother's friend looks like him tho...is it good?
lonerdottiemse: its funny as hell, its my kind of comdey like some people (jerks) wouldnt like it, i think you would like it though
TJs12Stones: lol
lonerdottiemse: do you smoke weed at all?
TJs12Stones: nawe
TJs12Stones: naw*
lonerdottiemse: have you ever?
TJs12Stones: no
lonerdottiemse: thats cool, i was just wondering.
TJs12Stones: do u?
lonerdottiemse: yeah
lonerdottiemse: do you hate weed smokers or how do you feel about it?
TJs12Stones: oh its kool...i have a lot of friends that smoke
lonerdottiemse: cool
lonerdottiemse: sorry, i was talking to my bro
TJs12Stones: its ok
TJs12Stones: i was on the phone ne way
lonerdottiemse: sweet, yeah i have a hard time muti taskin, ha
TJs12Stones: lol
TJs12Stones: ditto
lonerdottiemse: well, im gonna go play some video games with my bros, ill talk to you tomorrow. is there anytime you want me to call you or just whenever?
TJs12Stones: whenever is good
TJs12Stones: have fun
lonerdottiemse: sounds good, talk to ya later
TJs12Stones: :-Dnight
lonerdottiemse: night
lonerdottiemse: ;0
lonerdottiemse: :-)
12:40pm 29/11/2004
mood: crushed
I am running out of journals to vent in for today...

I have not said anthing in here lately. Well Shawn is mad at me...Rob is mad at me...Neile is mad at me. I am making everyone mad at me...and still all I can think about is how much I wish I was with Dan. I am sure he is with some other girls now. Damn luck. I really just want to be able to talk to him more. I am always so quiet...and that isnt me. I dont shut up. I guess I am just afraid of what he is going to think of me. So far everything I said has made him like back away. The Subway being one. Yeah so like I had a lot of subways a couple times...its not like I do that three times a day. Those days were very selective days where I hadnt eaten anything for 2 days prior. I just really like him...and didnt realize it till yesterday really. Till yesterday I was kinda like "yeah, but..." and then when I talked to him yesterday I realized I really do like him. Tho now that I am about ready to be myself he will be moving away. I always wait too long. The more this happens to me, the longer it will take for the next one...and the one after that.

I just want to have ONE guy in my life...just ONE! And I want him to only have ME...selfish I know...but I mean that is like besides friends and stuff. I want to be his only girl...and not even think about anyone else. I want to only think of one guy...and it is getting to that point. I mean I am looking at pictures of some really "cute" guys...and I think to myself...where is dan...I miss him. I havent seen him since last friday...and I was so tired. I just really miss him...so much! Driving me nuts ya know...Maybe I will try to call one more time...Ill be really sad if he doesnt answer again...but I just want to say goodnight...thats all :( I really miss him...a lot!
havent shared anything for a long time!   
11:04am 04/11/2004
mood: crushed
I found someone that I like. He says he likes me back. His name is Dan and he is 27! Some people are making a really big deal out of this. I think the only true supporter that I have is Stacey, cause she knows all about the age thing. Its like when we hang out with Jon we never think about him being 25. Everyone thinks it is such a BIG problem that two 18 year olds are around this 25 year old. And so it causes people to say a lot of shit. Then I go a find this amazing 27 year old. Ya know...I dont even think of him as 27 or much older than me at all...till he buys alcohol...then Im like WHOA...ur 27! Yeah but it is so easy to forget that they are. Nothing is so much different. Well here is where the problem comes in and why I am writing in here...

I was never big on the opening up to people thing. I kinda always just hid behind a door and let people think I was this bubblie happy kid. I was happy...but people got the wrong impression. They thought everything about my life was PERFECT! No ones life is perfect. There can always be a hidden skeleton.

Every one of my friends remembers Nick. They all knew Nick, they all spent time with Nick, they all saw how Nick was to me. Well I told Nick A LOT about who I was. And who I wanted to be. I told him EVERYTHING that I was thinking when I was thinking it. And he said I didnt. I needed to tell him more. So I started telling MORE...and MORE...and then all of a sudden he was judging me for everything he made me tell him. I mean even the most outragious stuff. That really didnt need to be told. I didnt want to die...but damn somtimes when I would talk to him I would feel like UTTER SHIT! Hard to believe that I could be into him...I guess I just thought he was a better person. NO I WILL NOT DRESS LIKE STACEY OR DO MY HAIR LIKE DIANNA! That is them...this is me...and if you dont like the fact that I am not a model or perfect with everything then I AM SORRY! I never told u to dress like Mike, or do your hair like Scott! OH NO NO! I wouldnt...cause I was trying to like YOU...not Mike or Scott!

Well so Nick totaly tore me apart. I mean I couldnt stand the thought of another guy...till Dave

Dave came around when I started this journal. A year ago I met him. He was awsome. He played the drums, he was italian, ABSOLUTLY BEAUTIFUL, and totally sweet! The problem was I got ripped into pieces previously when I was with Nick. So I was sooo afraid of everything about Dave. I mean I was afraid to talk to him. I remember everytime he was going to come over when I would be at Stacey's. I would fucking walk around her driveway till he showed up spitting out what couldnt never be described as words! I mean just utter rambling of sounds my mouth could make. I was always to scared as to what I was going to say. So to avoid saying the wrong thing I would not speak. BIG MISTAKE! I was afraid to talk about anything in fear he would judge me. I was afraid for the first time in my life of what someone was going to think of me as a person. Well he didnt like that (cant blame him). So I am never going to be able to see or talk to him again.

Since then guys have come and definetly gone! I mean...Chris, Shawn, Neile, Chris, Matt, Bryan, Bob, and god the list is heartbreakingly too long. I mean every now and then I will talk to them again...but I would never count on it. So I began to deal with the face that things dont last...not good things anyways.

So now Dan is here...right now...for now! He remind me a lot of Dave...and yeah he knows that now. I dont know what it is. But something in his face just clicked as holy shit...Dave! He is an awsome guy and he cliams to like me. It just isnt official yet...nothing is. Ya see...I dont want to make another strike! And I dont know if I want to go forever. It makes me torn. I cant talk about a lot of things with him...cause there is always that fear of will he be judging me. Well I know I shouldnt compare...I already had this talk with Stacey...but it isnt comparing. Its a fear that is locked inside of me. And it is getting realized cause I told him I am not always a light eater. He kinda took it to an extreme. Sort of like I do that ALL the time. Well I dont...I mean I eat a little bit here and there...but when Im hungry I can sit down and eat. I just am afraid to say anything more now. But I am afraid not to talk. I have two total ends of the spectrum. What happens when I say too much and what happens when I dont say anything. I am just trying to keep it at a happy medium. Only say little bits of things that get brought up. I dont know.

He will always ask me what am I thinking. Like what is going through my mind at that very moment. The weird thing is HONESTLY...most of the time my mind is so damn blank. I feel like I should make something up just so I dont see like a total air head. But I honestly am not thinking of anything. If I was I would say it...cause I need to talk more. But my gosh...just nothing could be said.

So I guess when it comes down to it I am really starting to like Dan. He is a nice guy...and I am so afraid of not being able to see him ever again. I am just waiting for the day he says "Its been fun but cant do it anymore"...I think that is why I dont want to believe anything...

See what you have done to me Nick!!!!!
12:18am 21/09/2004
mood: depressed
I have not blabbed for a while in this. I dont remember what i mentioned last. I went on a date with this awsome guy named Bob. Havent felt this way since dave about someone. He is soooo awsome. To make it even worse he is like SUPER SUPER hott...its driving me nuts. He doesnt like me...he says he does (not in that way) but damn...i just know i am annoying him. I did to dave and i am just waiting for him to like kick my ass on the street just like dave. Emmz is making things hell right now...she said he doesnt want to see me anymore. I dont want to believe her...but something inside is telling me i should. Well ne way...it is eating me alive. He is such a great guy...i just wish i didnt like the great ones :( I really really wish i liked awful people...would make it so much easier in the long run...damn! :'( BYE!
Dave came to mind   
10:06pm 30/08/2004
mood: chipper
Dave againCollapse )

You dont have to understand this...cause it doesnt make much sense...but I just liked him so much...but not really...he was ok as a person. Just I liked the fact that he played the drums. That was like a big turn on. All my friends know that he made me feel all crazy and different. Kinda bad different. I dont know. I cant explain it really. I just wish I didnt think about him anymore. I went a long time without him even coming to mind...then I saw him. What can ya do ya know. I guess this journal will always be the "Dave wishin" journal. I dont want him back or as a friend or anything. Just thinking about stuff...lol! He was ok...nothing amazing. Not like I was saying before anyways. He is nice...anyone can be nice for a little bit. I can even. Well thats about it. I just dont know why he felt he had to lie...lol. Thats ok...easy way out I guess...lol!
He changed his mind...   
11:06pm 29/07/2004
mood: confused
hockeygod2123: Hi
TJs12Stones: ummm
TJs12Stones: hi
TJs12Stones: hows it goin?
hockeygod2123: I just wanted to say goodnight
TJs12Stones: oh
TJs12Stones: ok
TJs12Stones: night
hockeygod2123: Bye beautiful
hockeygod2123: And i do like u alot
TJs12Stones: but u just dont want to talk to me?
hockeygod2123: Never said that
TJs12Stones: u said we werent gonna talk anymore
hockeygod2123: No i didnt
TJs12Stones: u said goodbye last night like it was final
hockeygod2123: It wasnt
TJs12Stones: so we can still talk?
hockeygod2123: Yes all the time
TJs12Stones: good:-D
TJs12Stones: cause when i thought i wasnt gonna be able to talk to u ne more i get really upset
hockeygod2123: Aww im sry
hockeygod2123: I gtg
TJs12Stones: ok
TJs12Stones: bye
hockeygod2123: Goodnight bye my love
TJs12Stones: night:-**hug*
hockeygod2123: Right back at u
i told him i liked him...WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!???!!!   
12:00am 28/07/2004
mood: shocked
jason1823: hey
TJs12Stones: hello
jason1823: i was just in a car accident
TJs12Stones: WHAT?!!
jason1823: not my car
TJs12Stones: is everyone ok?
jason1823: ya
TJs12Stones: was it a bad one?
jason1823: no
TJs12Stones: what happened?
jason1823: my dad was rear end
jason1823: ended
TJs12Stones: =-O
jason1823: i'm fine
TJs12Stones: is the car messed up?
jason1823: not at all
TJs12Stones: oh good
jason1823: so you wearing those tight clothes
TJs12Stones: lol...no i just got out of the shower and im gonna get dressed to go bowling soon
jason1823: are you gonna dress hot
TJs12Stones: to go bowling?
TJs12Stones: probably not
jason1823: :'(
TJs12Stones: well ur not gonna be there
TJs12Stones: why would i?
jason1823: so you can get a guy and so you can show me on thecam
TJs12Stones: well i dont want to get a guy and im not gonna be on the cam when im bowling
TJs12Stones: so no need to
jason1823: well you can go on after you get ready so i can check you out
jason1823: y don't you want a guy
TJs12Stones: once im ready ill leave...and i just dont
TJs12Stones: lol
jason1823: fine
TJs12Stones: sry that i would rather save it just for u
jason1823: save what
TJs12Stones: the nice clothes
jason1823: :'(
TJs12Stones: yeah my fault for liking u
jason1823: u like me
TJs12Stones: ummmm
TJs12Stones: well
jason1823: well what
TJs12Stones: well its like like it matters
jason1823: it does matter
TJs12Stones: yeah so i like u
jason1823: awww thats awesome
TJs12Stones: no no...u think its pathetic
jason1823: no way thats awesome
jason1823: i hope you do come here
TJs12Stones: u dont want me there
jason1823: i do
jason1823: i wish you were here now
TJs12Stones: dont say that too much...i may start to believe it
jason1823: well believe it now
jason1823: its true
TJs12Stones: well now that i made a fool oh myself i think i better go
TJs12Stones: ill talk to u later
TJs12Stones: buh bye
jason1823: don't go
jason1823: come back
Auto response from TJs12Stones: I am not available because I am playing a computer game that takes up the whole screen.

jason1823 signed off at 9:37:40 PM.
jason1823 signed on at 10:01:13 PM.
jason1823: y did you leave
TJs12Stones: u left
jason1823: no you did
TJs12Stones: ive been on:-\
jason1823: i left cause you did
TJs12Stones: oh
TJs12Stones: i left cause i made a fool of myself...so u left cause i made a fool of myself
jason1823: you didn't i think its cool
TJs12Stones: :-\
jason1823: i like you too
TJs12Stones: :-\
jason1823: i do
TJs12Stones: :-(dont keep saying that
jason1823: y
TJs12Stones: cause i may start to believe it
jason1823: i do like you
jason1823: your friend is talkin to me
TJs12Stones: who?
jason1823: XstarfilledniteX
TJs12Stones: ooooooh
TJs12Stones: yeah...she said she might talk to u
jason1823: y
jason1823: don'y say she likes me
jason1823: don't
TJs12Stones: no...but she is prettier
jason1823: no way
TJs12Stones: yeah way
jason1823: nope
TJs12Stones: everyone knows it
jason1823: i don't
TJs12Stones: :-\
jason1823: your hot
TJs12Stones: =-Ono im not
jason1823: you are hun
jason1823: hottie
TJs12Stones: :-(
jason1823: hottie
TJs12Stones: :'(
jason1823: don't cry
TJs12Stones: eh...i just feel so stupid once again
jason1823: don't
TJs12Stones: its a pretty good time to feel stupid
jason1823: y
TJs12Stones: cause im stupid
jason1823: no your not
jason1823: your awesome
jason1823: i thought you were going out
TJs12Stones: i was gonna
jason1823: what happened
TJs12Stones: besides me being stupid...well i have had a sore neck all day today...its just getting worse now
jason1823: you need a massage
jason1823: come here
TJs12Stones: i just slept on it wrong
TJs12Stones: hit my head a couple times against the wall and it should feel much better
jason1823: y did you do that
TJs12Stones: cause now my head hurts and not my neck...lol
TJs12Stones: i dont know
jason1823: aww poor baby
jason1823: you should come here right now
TJs12Stones: ok let me just snap my fingers
TJs12Stones: *snap*
TJs12Stones: what the...?
TJs12Stones: DAMMIT
jason1823: what
TJs12Stones: im still here
jason1823: dam
TJs12Stones: i hope stupid isnt contagious
jason1823: y
TJs12Stones: cause i dont want u to catch it
jason1823: i already did
TJs12Stones: not possible...ur too awsome
jason1823: i;m retarded
TJs12Stones: nu uh
jason1823: yes
jason1823: hottie
TJs12Stones: =-O
jason1823: so are you wearing tight clothes yet
TJs12Stones: :'(no
jason1823: go change
TJs12Stones: why ill still be just as ugly
jason1823: no way hotter then ever
TJs12Stones: :-\*wigh*
TJs12Stones: :-D
jason1823: hottie
jason1823: i want to c you
TJs12Stones: no u dont...u should see leslie
TJs12Stones: ill have her come here and u can see her
jason1823: when
jason1823: i rather see you though
jason1823: hottie
TJs12Stones: :-(
jason1823: u r
TJs12Stones: u dont have to say that...im far more use to the truth by now
jason1823: i am tellin the truth
jason1823: your a ottie
jason1823: hottie
TJs12Stones: *sigh*
jason1823: stop
jason1823: talk
TJs12Stones: u told me to stop:-\
jason1823: ya stop sayin your not beautiful
TJs12Stones: well im not gonna lie
jason1823: u r
TJs12Stones: ok...im stupid...but i know better than that
jason1823: your not stupid
jason1823: i thinks your great
TJs12Stones: i wish i could just believe u:-\
jason1823: when you meet me you will
jason1823: i gtg
TJs12Stones: ok
TJs12Stones: buh bye then
jason1823: goodnight
TJs12Stones: sorry
jason1823: sweet dreams
TJs12Stones: night
TJs12Stones: u 2
jason1823: don't be sorry your wonderfull
jason1823: bye bye cutie pie
TJs12Stones: bye
jason1823 signed off at 11:10:07 PM.

yeah so Im a total moron. Who says they like someone that they never actually met? Thats got to be the #1 stupid thing I did so far this year. Damn...Im dumb!

Well i cant write about this in my other journals of course because then stacey would piss me off. OK...well...she asked who Jason was so I told her and she brought up Chris. I was like TOTAL DIFFERENT STORY. Why does she make me feel like shit...well then she said, "Oh I know i have to get all your guys straight...a new guy every week." Why didnt she just call me a slut and stop beating around the bush. Well she has been pissing of me and Dianna and she will find out on her own time. She cant find out any sooner because she is always with her boyfriend. She was the one that told me I was gonna leave her and Dianna for Dave. Yeah I dont think so. There was one time I couldnt do something with them because I was going with dave and I still invited them to come with me so they wouldnt be alone. Yeah whatever stacey.
She goes over there every day. Even if she works she will go over there after she gets off. She gets home at 12 and thinks I am gonna be all "Stacey Im so happy to see u"...I DONT THINK SO! Not after the way u treat me and Dianna now. We are more important than boys. We are ur girls. What is happening to u? Well whatever it is...its pissing us off...
Well I have so much to say but cant spit out the words because stacey made me feel like crap again. And Im just so completely STUPID! Who says that seriously...well I do like him...but there is no way he will ever like me...EVER!!! Im outa here again...BYE!

oh see look...
KaOsChIcK02: i still can't get over how she said we all would do it, we didn't and now look who's doin it
here is what he said...   
11:33am 26/06/2004
mood: sleepy
exitoyouright: im sorry babe

Auto response from TJs12Stones: I am almost set with the drum part to Jet's "Are you gonna be my girl"...Ill be working on it for a while:-\since there is no Shrek tonight...

TJs12Stones: hi
TJs12Stones: dont be...i told u im use to rejection
TJs12Stones: i gtg
TJs12Stones: night
exitoyouright: whatever

Auto response from TJs12Stones: :-\:'(

exitoyouright: im sorry what went on and i want to make it up to you one day...i still wanna see you
exitoyouright: but if you dont want to...thats fine..your choice....
TJs12Stones: ive been trying to
TJs12Stones: i dont even know when i will be able to do anything now
exitoyouright: :-( ok
TJs12Stones: what am i suppose to do?
exitoyouright: i dont know
TJs12Stones: me either:'(
exitoyouright: :-*im sorry for everything i put you through...its not who i am and its not something i wanted to do to you...i wanna make it up to you one day...let it be next week or in 5 years...i wanna see you
TJs12Stones: uh huh
exitoyouright: i do
exitoyouright: it makes me upset when you say i dont...and that i dont like you and all that
TJs12Stones: it makes me upset when u say that...because i KNOW that it isnt what u mean
exitoyouright: say what?? that i like you?
TJs12Stones: yes
exitoyouright: oh well..fuck it then
exitoyouright: i give up
TJs12Stones: ME 2>:o
exitoyouright: i tell you how i feel...and the feelings are true and then you totally blow them off
TJs12Stones: i start to believe u...i wait for a call...and then it never comes
exitoyouright: ive been gone allll day
TJs12Stones: what am i suppose to think
TJs12Stones: thats fine
exitoyouright: i didnt even have your number with me
TJs12Stones: u shouldnt have to sit home
exitoyouright: and im sorry
TJs12Stones: its fine
exitoyouright: no its not
exitoyouright: i was a dick
exitoyouright: im an asshole
TJs12Stones: no
exitoyouright: i hurt you and i realize that
TJs12Stones: im fine
exitoyouright: i know your not
TJs12Stones: yes i am
exitoyouright: no
TJs12Stones: yes
exitoyouright: :-(
TJs12Stones: im just done now
exitoyouright: :-\
TJs12Stones: nothing more i can do
TJs12Stones: im gonna go hide in a hole
TJs12Stones: be back later
exitoyouright: :'(
exitoyouright: :-\i dont know where you are but im gonna say this right now...ive never been good at this whole going out with a girl thing...ive never had feelings for anyone...and you are the first girl in my life (sad I know) that i have actually loved...and im sorry for the way i have treated you...im sorry for the shit i have given you...im sorry for tonite...im sorry for who i am...but i do love you...i honestly do...if you dont believe me, thats fine...but im telling you the truth...and one day i am going to show you how i feel about you...i love you baby

Auto response from TJs12Stones: arggh:'(
12:03am 26/06/2004
mood: bitchy
I am actually upset enough to write in here. I was looking forward to Neile and me seeing Shrek 2. I havent met him yet and I think is he soooo awsome. BUT NOOOO! Well then. I guess I just need to whine in here. That is not what the other journals are for.

Well I talked to him yesterday he insisted that he needed to pay. He was not gonna pay. Well I gave him my cell phone number. I had it off for a little today cause the battery was very low. But it would only be off for like 10 minutes at a time tops. I have voicemail on my phone. Well ok...maybe he didnt want to call...Well...My sn was on all day today! I dont understand. I am rather upset right now. Not like I shoudlnt have expected this. Why would anyone want to hang with me anyways. I was not gonna bother him. He says he likes me...but he wont meet me. Well fine. I dont want to like anyone that wont meet me. So no more trying. I give up officialy on trying to meet him. I have been trying for a good 3-4 weeks now. Every night I would tell him that I wanted to. He would come back with "I thought about you all day today..." YEAH RIGHT NEILE! U make me upset. Yes indeed. Didnt think u would be the one to do that. Nick did it, Dave did it, and Chris kinda did it too. I am just sooo sick of it. I am never gonna have good luck. Just gonna try to not get involved with anything like that anymore. I am sick of all the mess that comes with it. I really thought it was gonna be awsome to do that. WELL IT WAS NICE OF ME TO TRY! I cant believe I actually wrote in this journal again! Well Im done bitching for right now. Maybe Ill have more to say after he comes online...if he is gonna come on! :'(
02:35am 11/06/2004
mood: mellow
Stuff happened...and I dont even want to say it in here. I just want to say...stuff happened!

I did it again. I met someone offline. Its not a big deal...but I just see it doing to same thing as Jon. I am thinking about maybe not talking to anyone ne more. Just because they are trying so hard to meet me. I dont want to meet anyone offline ne more. This SUCKS!!! Either there is no one...OR ALL THE WRONG ONES!! I do have to say...Shawn is cute...and very nice...JUST NO! I dont want to think about hooking up. Since that crazy palm reader freaked me out. I just...NO! I want to be free...to do stuff like this...but not this! AHHHH! I wish i could get feelings out. I need my dog back. GAHHH! Atleast I knew she couldnt talk about me...GAHHHH!!! OH WELL!!! Just have to keep it inside i guess. Bye!
07:42pm 25/05/2004
mood: hot
Bringerofhate28 may explode without warning


From Go-Quiz.com

No smoking around superforce28. Thankyou for your co-operation.


From Go-Quiz.com



From Go-Quiz.com

ALL of these are just so true! :)

I hope that I got a little blood on you. Maybe then the world will know you're guilt! FUCKER!!!
10:37pm 19/05/2004
mood: depressed
Hey now!
Its my birthday in about 1 hour and 23 minutes. The funny thing is...I cant stop crying. I wanted so much to turn 18, but this day is just hell. I tried so hard to look by everything and not get angry or upset, but in the end I couldnt do it anymore. I feel like this whole year has fallen apart. Everything is fucked up! And I am sick of it. Only a couple more weeks left to see my friends like this...and a lot of them I may not see for 10 years. I assume I will see them at our reunion. It has been an uneventful day, and I have to be happy tomorrow again. All I feel is anger and sadness right now. It is not going to be easy! But I have to try dont i? *damn world* bye...
so i never forget!   
01:19pm 16/05/2004
mood: complacent
EmmzWantsKaty: hello
TJs12Stones: hi emma
EmmzWantsKaty: so...
TJs12Stones: yeah what?
EmmzWantsKaty: who r u fooling now?...
EmmzWantsKaty: i mean there is always someone right?
TJs12Stones: im not "fooling" anyone
EmmzWantsKaty: sure honie
TJs12Stones: honey*
EmmzWantsKaty: whatever
EmmzWantsKaty: you need to check your heart for truth one day
TJs12Stones: what does that mean?
EmmzWantsKaty: and apparently your brain needs a review also
TJs12Stones: shut up
EmmzWantsKaty: no thanks
EmmzWantsKaty: i have a large voice and a hard head
TJs12Stones: no obj. to that
EmmzWantsKaty: well...i did end up going and looking at your profile
EmmzWantsKaty: interesting
TJs12Stones: what?
EmmzWantsKaty: you seem to be fooling some horney little 15 year olds
TJs12Stones: huh?
EmmzWantsKaty: well...it said you had a high raiting
TJs12Stones: and?
EmmzWantsKaty: well...didnt know how u pulled that off
TJs12Stones: thanks
EmmzWantsKaty: well im serious
EmmzWantsKaty: who would vote for you so good?
TJs12Stones: :-\
EmmzWantsKaty: i mean besides yourself
TJs12Stones: ha!
TJs12Stones: right emmz
EmmzWantsKaty: no really
EmmzWantsKaty: who voted for you?
TJs12Stones: I dont know
TJs12Stones: it doesnt say
EmmzWantsKaty: well they must feel sorry for u
EmmzWantsKaty: you*
TJs12Stones: why would u say that?
EmmzWantsKaty: because you are not pretty
TJs12Stones: thank you:-D
EmmzWantsKaty: not supposed to take it that way
TJs12Stones: i dont give a fuck ok
TJs12Stones: im going now emmz
TJs12Stones: bye
EmmzWantsKaty: no come on
EmmzWantsKaty: wait
10:12pm 11/05/2004
mood: bitchy
I was going to just blow this off...but not anymore! I am sooo fucking angry at my friends right now that it is unbelieveable. Actually its really only two of them at the current second. My one friend...she went around in her classes and said I "made out with some guy for two hours!" I swear...this pissed me off way much! I have been her friend since Kindergarten, and just because I made a new friend she is going to spread shit about me!?! BITCH!!! Yeah...I havent been happy about that. And now Stacey. She is totally guy crazy, and everytime she finds a guy she needs to ignore her friends. She did it with Scott (and didnt see it). And now she is doing it with JON (AND SHE FUCKING DENYS IT!) OK GIRL! You need to take a look in the mirror and figure yourself out! You have to STOP lying to all of the people that are supposed to trust you...and get your fucking mind made up! I swear. Its like I am here only to use as an excuse for u to go with Jon. You never even care about me and dianna...its always oh dont call me, "I am supposed to be with you right now!" FUCK YOU! Guess where you were today...when I was sitting ALONE! You were with "me" Jon. FUCK THIS SHIT! I have other friends that wont lie to me and wont use me. I cant the two of you. OK...so something else. Yeah! Everyday after 1st hour Sanja and Stephanie walk to class, and Stacey and Dianna walk to class together. Its not that they have classes by each other. Its that they all have each other and care SHIT for me! The one day when I finally said something to them about waiting they had a hissy fit and left. They will be late for each other EVERY and ANY fucking day! But when it comes to me! FUCK NO!...I am not worth FUCKING SHIT to any of u! And u know what...if things are going to continue like this...and u are going to use me for no fucking reason...u are not going to like me anymore! I dont understand how u dont see it now. Like when u talk to me online and I use one word responses most of the time! WHAT THAT FUCK! Yeah...I hope u see this when I die...then u can see the misory u put me through my last year of high school! FUCK PEOPLE! Its every man for him/her self! IM done now!